=(

I had my driving test today. I totally screwed up. It was worse than I could've ever imagined. I was doing fine all week except for last night, when I couldn't sleep well because I was so nervous. Uncle Alan was confident I would pass on my first attempt. During this morning's warm-up session, he asked me,"Got bring $50?" I was like,"Huh? For what?" And he said,"Later after the test go make your license. If no money I'll pay for you first."

Despite my mum's prayers and his encouragement, my nervousness finally overcame me. I was driving around the circuit too quickly, losing focus as I grew more and more nervous. Then, the most horrifying thing happened. There at crank course 27, the car crashed into the wall and left a rather obvious dent on the left back door. And it was only my 5th station (after slope, parallel parking, S-turning and directional change)! I knew then and there, that I was in for an immediate failure. In my entire learning history, I've never ever mounted the kerb before. Don't even mention hitting the walls.

When the tester told Uncle Alan what happened and pointed to him the damage, he was amazed. "Huh? What wall? The wall is in the field, how to hit??" No one thought it was possible until I proved it. That darn tester didn't even bother to try to prevent that accident from happening. Uncle Alan told me he's new. He has only been a tester for a week and is obviously inexperienced. How great. Now both Uncle Alan and I have to share the cost for the damages.

I had no demerit points for the circuit. The tester instructed me to drive out to the main road after I did my reverse parking (with the dented door). But by then, I had already given up all hope of passing. My nervousness stopped, and I went back to my usual driving performance.

On the road, I saw more reasons why the tester is inexperienced. He said,"Ok, go to the right lane, turn right." I was quite surprised because we're suppose to keep left. Uncle Alan taught me many times that failing to keep to the left lane means 6 demerit points. Ok never mind. I obeyed the tester's instructions. I went to the right lane. He said turn right, didn't he? I thought the right thing to do is to keep left first before filtering to the right lane and making your right turn. So, I asked,"So do you want me to keep left now?" He sneered at me in reply. Ok never mind. I kept to the left on my own initiative. After that, he told me to go straight! I thought he said turn right?!

Come to think of it, I think his "turn right" refers to filtering to the right. Hey, filtering and turning are 2 totally different things ok. What exactly does he want? His instructions are so unclear!

Anyway, I did fine for my test on the main road. I know that I have a tendency to forget to check blindspots at certain spots, so I expected some demerit points for that. After the test, the tester brought me to the office to point out my mistakes. During which, he pondered about it awhile, and decided to give me more demerit points! OK I know I already have an immediate failure ok? You don't have to make me feel worse. After adding all the points up, I had a total of 12 demerit points. I can safely say that some of which is unfairly given. Uncle Alan looked through my test sheet and said it could've been 8 or something, and that would've been a very good pass already.

I hate this sinking feeling in my stomach right now. It all happened so quickly, and I feel as if I've just woken up from a nightmare. I was given Route 1 for my test. Route 1 is so easy can? I've done that so many times! Plus, today's a perfect day for testing! The timing is great. No bus lane plus less heavy traffic. Yet I totally blew my chances for a first-time pass. I can't say I'll have the same advantages again for my re-test.

I'm really very disappointed in myself. I didn't just fail. I failed and caused an accident. I broke the world's driving record for hitting the wall in a circuit. I wish I was more calm during the test. I totally screwed myself up by panicking. Uncle Alan already warned me beforehand that I musn't panic. Everytime I panic, I'll tend to forget everything. Such a simple warning, yet I didn't heed. I feel like I'm about to have post-driving-test depression. Everytime I cross the road or sit in the car now, I feel a tremendous sense of sorrow and remorse. It feels like a thousand knives pierced through my heart. =(

I really wanted to give Dad a pleasant surprise before he flies off to Japan tomorrow, but I guess that's not about to happen. I told Dad about it, and he was incredibly supportive. He told me that it's ok and that I need not worry about the cost for the damages. Mum didn't even think it was a big deal. Instead, she thinks I should get an appeal for the damages caused. It's justifiable because it is part of the tester's responsibility and yet he couldn't even handle it.

Uncle Alan wasn't mad at me too. In fact, he was rather amused that I "broke a record". He kept asking how I managed such a feat. I couldn't comprehend either. My best guess is that I kept too much to the left at the exit of the crank course, resulting in the back wheel mounting kerb, and eventually hitting the wall. He said,"Lucky it's just the back door. Lucky they never make us pay for the wall. Government property leh. Hah." I was like o_O ... He sent me home after that. Throughout the journey home, he kept saying,"Hai... wastedwastedwastedwasted... so wasted." Not like I feel any better myself. =(

On a side note, all the testees in my group failed too. None passed, not even the repeats. That came across as a surprise to me. When I got back, all of them were already at the office! To think some of the testers in this group are supposedly quite kind, and all the routes tested today are manageable. I wonder what happened to them all! I don't suppose they share my record too?